The Words given by A Dad Which Saved Us during my time as a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was just trying to survive for the first year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the challenges of fatherhood.

Yet the truth soon became "very different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health problems during the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her primary caregiver while also looking after their infant son Leo.

"I took on every night time, every change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan explained.

After 11 months he burnt out. It was a chat with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You aren't in a good place. You require some help. In what way can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and start recovering.

His story is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While people is now better used to addressing the strain on moms and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles dads encounter.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his struggles are linked to a broader reluctance to communicate between men, who often internalise negative ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave."

"It isn't a display of weakness to request help. I didn't do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, says men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not justified to be asking for help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental well-being is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the chance to take a break - going on a couple of days away, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He realised he required a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions alongside the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has changed how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing trauma caused his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "terrible choices" when in his youth to modify how he felt, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the pain.

"You find your way to behaviours that don't help," he notes. "They may short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you feel under pressure, speak to a trusted person, your other half or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. This might be exercising, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Look after the body - a good diet, staying active and when you can, resting, all are important in how your mind is faring.
• Connect with other new dads - hearing about their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the joys, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help is not failure - looking after yourself is the optimal method you can look after your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead offer the security and nurturing he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the frustrations constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men because they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I expressed, on occasion I feel like my job is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning an equal amount as you are in this journey."